We have a fresh blanket of snow on the ground this morning (and a little ice I'm afraid). It's cold but beautiful! School has been cancelled and the girls are asleep so I have some time to lay out my heart to any readers who may come by this site. Today I am going to be transparent and step out to reveal my troubled heart and ask for your prayers as I work through this situation.
The other day I found two typed written sheets of copy paper laying on my gas stove. I moved the paper (thinking fire hazard) and saw it belonged to my oldest daughter. She is good at writing and is now on the newsletter team at her school. I encourage her growth in this area. I originally assumed it was a class assignment and began to read what was written. My daughter is 13, 14 in a few weeks, and her words sadden and broke my heart. It wasn't a school assignment but instead a "dear journal" entry she had written at school and printed off. Though I learned of some actions and thoughts I would not want coming from my daughter, what bothered me most is her current hatred to me. She thinks I'm a "goody two shoes" and couldn't understand what she is going through. The sad thing about this is that I so very much understand this as I was reminded of my own relationship with my mother as a teenager. Though the 70's held a different set of circumstances for kids to deal with then today, emotionally we went through the same kind of "stuff". Sadly, she is experiencing things I didn't experience until I was almost out of my teen years.
I pulled out of storage my packed box of high school diaries, pictures and things. I briefly read some of my poems and journal logs and you would have thought it was my daughter on those pages. Same thoughts, attitudes, emotions. One two page poem I wrote has moms handwriting all over it, commenting with scripture her thoughts to my frustrations at that time in my life. Now I am in my mothers shoes (did I ever say I was sorry mom and I love you for not giving up on me?). So my thought is that I am going to let her read these things and hope that she will realize we are very similar and I do know what she is going through. Here's the big difference....I know the pain she will face if she continues down this path and she doesn't. What seems right for her at the moment may leave scars for her to live with. Pray I will be able to communicate this to her. Pray her heart will soften and her ears will be open, not just to my words but to God's words and that she will accept our love.
Since my husband and I have become involved in leading our youth ministry at church, it seems like satan has turned his attention to our girls. It's like he has said "if I can't have you, I'll get them". It resembles that 'preacher-kid' syndrome so many have had to live with and overcome. Satan seems to be working overtime here. Well, so am I! Daily and constantly my husband and I pray that God will capture their hearts and transform them into godly young women. We are in this tug-of-war game for their spiritual well being it seems. I do not plan to give up! The stronger we become in Christ the harder satan seems to fight back but God is on our side!
All my scripture reading this morning seemed to focus on God's majesty and greatness . "The Lord is my strength and my song; He has given me victory. This is my God, and I will praise Him-my father’s God (and my mother's God), and I will exalt him!" (Ex. 15:2, NLT). He is our warrior and He will win this battle for us, I have faith in that, in Him. "Your right hand, O LORD, is glorious in power. Your right hand, O LORD, smashes the enemy. In the greatness of your majesty, you overthrow those who rise against you. You unleash your blazing fury; it consumes them like straw." (Ex. 15:6-7, NLT).
If you too have lived through this or find yourself living in this, your thoughts and suggestions will be valued. You can help me in this war against satan and his current grip on my daughter, our daughters, by praying for this situation. In my transparency, I thank you in advance for your prayers. I thank God for what He will do in this.
In His Graces~Pamela
Update: Later after my daughter had awaken I gave her a book of poems I wrote in high school, a diary and some letters I shared with a dear friend from high school (remember writing letters?). I encouraged her to read these. After reading some her response was "You sound just like me so I don't understand why you got so mad".
My response: "I wasn't mad, heart broken that you might follow my same old path. I know the pain it can cause".
Her response: "I knew this was coming."
I ended with: "I do know what you are going through..."
That was all she was willing to hear at the time. Pray for this!!! Thanks!
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3 comments:
Pam,
I want you to know that my heart is with you and your daughter. I know how old your "oldest" is, now that I have read your blog. My heart goes out to you. My daughter is 19 and in college now. I have 2 boys, both older. raising a daughter is so much tougher. As Mom's who have often taken tough journey's we want so much to see them make better choices. Sounds like you handled this so well! This is that age that Dr Dobson refers to as being like a newly launched spaceship, no communication available for a certain period of time!! Hang in there, she will return!! God hears your prayers and they will NOT return void!!
Bless you,
pat
I love you to daughter. My heart is breaking for what you are going through to. I pray often Heavenly Father please spare Pamela from going through what I went through. I forgave her and do forgiver her. You would not know but when you were Emma's age late at night I would be in the front room next to your room praying and crying for you I could see things that could come and I wanted you spared sin and the scars from it. When you came back to the Lord what great joy. But as you know not all your brothers or sister are walking with the Lord so that is a heavy burden. My desire is all my children and grandchildren saved and walking with Him. All generations to come if the Lord tarrys. I feel maybe the biggest lack in that happening was lack of prayer on my part. I think the last 20 years so busy but how much praying.How does one gain that time back. One cannot but one can now pray and trust in the Lord. In my devotions to day Jesus said this goes not out but with much prayer and fasting something like that. We must pray, pray, pray and love,love, love. Satan you are a defeated foe. Christ is the victor we claim that victory for each loved one in Christ name. Now we look onto Him the is able to de exceeding, abuntally above all that we can think or ask. We love you our Heavenly Father.
Been there, am there and will probably be there again. :) As you know our oldest who just turned 18 is in her final trimester. Not the path I thought she'd go down as I had opened my heart to her about my past. But she did make the same choices and here we are. So what do I do? Alyssa knows the truth and I cannot make her choices for her. As painful as it is to watch, I have to trust God with her. I have to trust God with our son who is expelled from school right now & going to court this Friday. Doesn't mean I stop parenting, but my knees get more calloused, my prayers meet God's ears with more passion & my heart ache lessons as I know HE is in control-not me or my husband, not even our kids, but GOD and God alone. I will praying for you Pamela.
I look at my 18 year old, our 13 year old and I'm never letting our 6 year old have friends...lol!
Oh, this parenting thing is something else isn't it? But we wouldn't trade it for anything would we? I hated my mom when I was a teen, but love her deeply now. She'll come around, just stay faithful in praying. I'll join you in prayer.
Love ya!
Lelia
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