Painful chaos has enter my home, disrupting our family...who am I kidding...it is trying to destroy us and its grip is so strong for two people who serve the Lord. I don't get it. Why is it so hard this time? Grace and forgiveness comes with a possible loss. Did I really sign up for this when I said "I do" to my husband or I said to God in a commitment 6 years ago "I am the Lord's servant...may it to be to me as you have said" (Luke 1:38).
Yes. YES. YES!! is the right answer I know but I do not know how I am crawling out of bed each morning except for the fact that I have something calling me. I can't wait to get to it because I know a peace and calm comes to me in my pain and chaos. I started a new job that requires more out of me and earlier mornings with an hour drive time to the office and back. Can you imagine that it is the drive time that I so eagerly look forward to? Seriously sister!
I had to move my morning Bible study times to the evening...not crazy about that yet but when I get in the car each morning I now have a new quiet time and its working (and I didn't have faith at first that I could adapt to this change). First, I listen to one Christan song on the radio. I search for a praise song. It sets my mind. Then I open my spiral scripture cards and start in the back where I have chosen scripture to pray over special areas in my life. Sometimes I pray the scripture as it is written, other times I personalize it. Here are a few of the areas:
How good and pleasant it is when [families] live together in unity! ~ Ps. 133:1
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. ~ Col. 3:14
For our parenting...
Those who fear the Lord are secure; he will be a refuge for their children. [Lord help us be god-fearing and help us be a place of refuge for our children]
~ Prov. 14:26
...let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. ~ 1 Jn. 3:18For our girls...
[Father God} circumcise [our] hearts and the hearts of your [girls], so that you may love [you] with all your heart and with all your soul, and live [together in unity]. ~ Deut. 30:6
He is my constant source of stability.
~ Isa. 33:6
The Lord is my security. He will keep my foot from being caught in a trap.
~ Prov. 3:26
...Spirit of the [God speak] through me; [place your] words on my tongue. ~
2 Sam. 23:3
Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request. ~ 1 Chron. 4:10
For my mouth...
my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit.
~ Job 27:4
The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom; his tongue speaks what is just.
~ Ps. 37:30
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. ~ Prov. 31:26
Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.
~ Ps. 141:3
Then I go to my scripture memory verses in my spiral and say them over and over until I have again committed them to my mind and soul and then I pray them back (you can see these scripture on the right side bar of this blog). It usually takes me the full trip in. My spiral rest over the center of the steering wheel so perfectly. It changes me. It equips me, it fuels me. I have to repeat this process on the way home and sometimes I use my scripture spiral from last year. It is difficult right now to enter into our home with the attitude He wants me to have. I am still struggling with this and I don't want to give up.
Am I in spiritual distress? Yeal. Got all the signs don't I? Grief.
Its beautiful outside. I want it to be beautiful inside me. My heart is ugly and I am in the biggest battle of my life. Yet I desperately cling to my faith that He will help me over come because I beleive Him and the words of Jeremiah 32:17...
Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.