Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Really Bad Day...

How is it that one can have such a really bad day when it is so beautiful outside? Remove the high winds and it would be a perfect day...outside. I am not a whinner, and I tend to not share too much personal but gals, I have one of those attitudes that needs to be driven out of me like a seance! Seriously, I am ready to call a priest or a Ghost Buster! I have never said so many "in the name of Jesus" than I have this week. I have cried it, I am ready to yell it.

Painful chaos has enter my home, disrupting our family...who am I kidding...it is trying to destroy us and its grip is so strong for two people who serve the Lord. I don't get it. Why is it so hard this time? Grace and forgiveness comes with a possible loss. Did I really sign up for this when I said "I do" to my husband or I said to God in a commitment 6 years ago "I am the Lord's servant...may it to be to me as you have said" (Luke 1:38).

Yes. YES. YES!! is the right answer I know but I do not know how I am crawling out of bed each morning except for the fact that I have something calling me. I can't wait to get to it because I know a peace and calm comes to me in my pain and chaos. I started a new job that requires more out of me and earlier mornings with an hour drive time to the office and back. Can you imagine that it is the drive time that I so eagerly look forward to? Seriously sister!

I had to move my morning Bible study times to the evening...not crazy about that yet but when I get in the car each morning I now have a new quiet time and its working (and I didn't have faith at first that I could adapt to this change). First, I listen to one Christan song on the radio. I search for a praise song. It sets my mind. Then I open my spiral scripture cards and start in the back where I have chosen scripture to pray over special areas in my life. Sometimes I pray the scripture as it is written, other times I personalize it. Here are a few of the areas:

Family unity....
How good and pleasant it is when [families] live together in unity! ~ Ps. 133:1
and
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. ~ Col. 3:14

For our parenting...
Those who fear the Lord are secure; he will be a refuge for their children. [Lord help us be god-fearing and help us be a place of refuge for our children]
~ Prov. 14:26
and
...let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. ~ 1 Jn. 3:18
For our girls...
[Father God} circumcise [our] hearts and the hearts of your [girls], so that you may love [you] with all your heart and with all your soul, and live [together in unity]. ~ Deut. 30:6

For adversity...
He is my constant source of stability.
~ Isa. 33:6
and
The Lord is my security. He will keep my foot from being caught in a trap.
~ Prov. 3:26
For ministry...
...Spirit of the [God speak] through me; [place your] words on my tongue. ~
2 Sam. 23:3
and
Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request. ~ 1 Chron. 4:10
For my mouth...
my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit.
~ Job 27:4
and
The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom; his tongue speaks what is just.
~ Ps. 37:30
and
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. ~ Prov. 31:26
and
Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.
~ Ps. 141:3
Then I go to my scripture memory verses in my spiral and say them over and over until I have again committed them to my mind and soul and then I pray them back (you can see these scripture on the right side bar of this blog). It usually takes me the full trip in. My spiral rest over the center of the steering wheel so perfectly. It changes me. It equips me, it fuels me. I have to repeat this process on the way home and sometimes I use my scripture spiral from last year. It is difficult right now to enter into our home with the attitude He wants me to have. I am still struggling with this and I don't want to give up.
Am I in spiritual distress? Yeal. Got all the signs don't I? Grief.
Its beautiful outside. I want it to be beautiful inside me. My heart is ugly and I am in the biggest battle of my life. Yet I desperately cling to my faith that He will help me over come because I beleive Him and the words of Jeremiah 32:17...
Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.
Believing Him~Pamela

5 comments:

Jackie said...

Pamela,

My husband and I went through something with one of the children in our blended family six years ago that made me have the feelings and attitudes you described in your post. It was a heart breaking, tumultuous time. I will pray for you, that God will carry you through, give you strength and wisdom and a heart like His. I will pray for the family also. I am so sorry.

Your sister in Christ,
Jackie

Yolanda said...

Pamela,

If you'll read H.G., you'll see that we, too, are in a storm. Different caliber, but storms are like that...and I think many of us are being hit right now. I'm clinging to Col 3:2 and Isaiah 26:3....as well as many of my scriptures out of those awesome spirals.

I pray that today, you see the lining of the cloud radiating Jesus' LIGHT into the darkness of your storm.

Love YOU!

Yolanda

LisaShaw said...

Pamela,

I've not visited in some time but felt drawn to come over and see how you are dear sister and as I read every word, I prayed with and for you and your family.

Then Isaiah 43:1-2 and 41:10 came to mind.

I am embracing you in prayer sis. Hang on to the LORD tightly.

Mari said...

Pamela: I will be praying for you! I am in the midst of my own storm but you know you will defiitely get "air time" in my prayers. Love you!!

HisdaughterGH said...

Hi I am Georgianna from http://lifeluvenlatte.blogspot.com/ I ca relate to your thoughts and questions. I can see though by the action you are taking that you have taking your spot as the daughter of the most high, and God is equipping you with continual knowledge and wisdom for your obedience to Him. I pray for you and the situation you are in, continue on in Him, God Love Georgianna Honey